More Rambling

I am not going to lie. I seek approval from outside environment which is not under my control. Ever since I was a kid, I used to have a tendency to please my dad. I worked my ass off to do well in high school and I received few compliments from him. It encouraged me to work harder. When he talked about how my friends are doing better than I do, I felt worse. When he complimented and paid attention to me, I immediately felt better. I went through the same exact pattern again and again until I went abroad for college for three year. It's definitely a life changing experience for me to be my own boss, but I realized my brain still run the same "approval seeking" pattern in many scenarios in my adulthood.

Now I am an adult. My pockets are "kind of" heavy, and I live a very reputable lifestyle. I workout five days a week, eat only fruits & vegetables, drink deeply from good books,  meet fascinating people everyday, and create breakthrough in my career. I am sure my life seems promising. All of those facts are very pleasurable to think. But couple days ago, I realized many things I have been doing in my life is to prove myself to everyone that I am good enough! Here is how it happened. I was talking with a friend the other day in phone for couple of minutes, and he misunderstood something about me. After we hung up, I felt an urge to call him back to prove him that I am awesome, cool and positive. I suddenly caught myself seeking for self approval by asking this simple question: "Why do I care so much to call him back to prove I am right?". I answered, "because it makes me happy and fulfilled to make him look up to me. No brainer." Then I asked myself: "why is it so important to make myself feel happy and fulfilled?" I realized that this is how I was designed to become.  I am a human.

Then I asked the final question, "What is beyond pain and pleasure?". I am not a science guy, but my "assumption" is that pain and pleasure are feelings animals experience in their body. It's a biology. If we are depressed, it is painful. What most people do when they are depressed? They eat lots of food, watch Titanic, treat people like a shit, change their hair color, enlarge their breast, and whine that nobody cares. What exactly are those activities are accomplishing. Pleasure! I realized those are couple of biological activities that make pleasure possible. This is something I learned from Tony Robbin's seminar too. We all know apple will always fall down from the tree because this is law of nature. I guess every human being on the planet has the fate to experience "pleasure" and "pain" law to determine their destinies.

This trivial event actually made a slight change in my focus every time I try so hard to gain more pleasure and stay away from pain. Whenever I am feeling insecure and start fidgeting, I immediately realize this is what my brain believes it should do to experience more pleasure, and stay out of pain. Weird. It's more weird when I start feel peacefulness and content when I am being aware and accept myself during that situation. I am sure there is something beyond pain and pleasure. If I experience that "beyond", I would probably not be a human anymore. That would be nice. I guess I am being a little smart ass today. If you believe you know what's the beyond, please contribute in the comment section below.