Being Enough

I always try to figure out what could be someone's purpose in life. I have so many definitions. But I really think the purpose in life to fill the void so that you could be enough. I think may be what I have right now is enough for me, and there isn't any void to fill. May be I create those unnecessary voids or emptiness in my life and try to fill them up with problems, dramas and ambitions?

I know it's good to have goals. But I don't want to waste my entire life chasing after "purpose" that does not even exists. May be the purpose in my life is to exists. I am simply a small piece of a larger puzzle. I am supposed to exists to fill a void that's too much for me to comprehend. 

7:00 AM

I recall an interesting quote this morning, "Waiting is a state of mind". Waiting never really does anything good, but keep us away from the present.  This makes me think of all the things I want in my life and I am waiting for them to happen.  However, in order to be there, I would need to be right now. I would choose to focus on what the life has given me this moment and use those resources right now to build my life. I don't think life owes me anything. I just have to use those scattered pieces lying in front of me, and then put them together!

Another thing - I think everything is a choice. If we do something out of craving and inadequacy, it coming from pain. If we conciously chose something out of abundance, then it's coming out of pleasure. I think anything created by pain isn't worth having. Am I wrong?

Loser

I felt like a greatest loser in the planet when I woke up this morning. Strange dreams + Fast food last night => Crappy morning. I was thinking why I am not getting the result in an important area of life. Every time I come so close, I get pushed few steps back. I am still not getting enough even though I tried so hard this year. It's as if I am not meant to earn it like everyone else. Then I realized that being sad and disappointed are part of the success. I must allow myself to be devastated and be completely okay with the pain until I am being invulnerable to those stupid craps. The success is not just to achieve what I actually want, but also be okay with it if I completely lose it.  If I got it so easily then I would not even appreciate it. I am glad it is a painful and frustrating journey. But I know when I reach my first milestone, then it is going to be worth it.

Dealing With Mental Struggles

In have realization in last 2 days last work that I rush into solving problems and thinking each task as a mission to be completed; must be completed. I rush. I struggle. I get afraid that if I don't work out stressful reaction and don't worry, my manager and authority will yell at me. I get tense at each task. I feel like if I don't stress out and struggle, then I won't accomplish my tasks. I am fucking myself up by worrying that being stressed out, struggle in my mind and see it a must thing to do, it will help me get the job done.

I struggle insufferably even if the tasks is too small. I put too much mental force, rush and accelerate on something small instead of being delicate. But now I think about it, no matter how big the problem, how will struggling in my mind help me get the job done faster?

As easy as it sounds, I have been constantly fucking myself up for number of years (probably all my life). The quote from the book really opened my eyes, "No matter what happens, I will create no more pain. I will create no more problems". It takes a choice to make this decision. It's very difficult choice to make. :(