More Rambling

I am not going to lie. I seek approval from outside environment which is not under my control. Ever since I was a kid, I used to have a tendency to please my dad. I worked my ass off to do well in high school and I received few compliments from him. It encouraged me to work harder. When he talked about how my friends are doing better than I do, I felt worse. When he complimented and paid attention to me, I immediately felt better. I went through the same exact pattern again and again until I went abroad for college for three year. It's definitely a life changing experience for me to be my own boss, but I realized my brain still run the same "approval seeking" pattern in many scenarios in my adulthood.

Now I am an adult. My pockets are "kind of" heavy, and I live a very reputable lifestyle. I workout five days a week, eat only fruits & vegetables, drink deeply from good books,  meet fascinating people everyday, and create breakthrough in my career. I am sure my life seems promising. All of those facts are very pleasurable to think. But couple days ago, I realized many things I have been doing in my life is to prove myself to everyone that I am good enough! Here is how it happened. I was talking with a friend the other day in phone for couple of minutes, and he misunderstood something about me. After we hung up, I felt an urge to call him back to prove him that I am awesome, cool and positive. I suddenly caught myself seeking for self approval by asking this simple question: "Why do I care so much to call him back to prove I am right?". I answered, "because it makes me happy and fulfilled to make him look up to me. No brainer." Then I asked myself: "why is it so important to make myself feel happy and fulfilled?" I realized that this is how I was designed to become.  I am a human.

Then I asked the final question, "What is beyond pain and pleasure?". I am not a science guy, but my "assumption" is that pain and pleasure are feelings animals experience in their body. It's a biology. If we are depressed, it is painful. What most people do when they are depressed? They eat lots of food, watch Titanic, treat people like a shit, change their hair color, enlarge their breast, and whine that nobody cares. What exactly are those activities are accomplishing. Pleasure! I realized those are couple of biological activities that make pleasure possible. This is something I learned from Tony Robbin's seminar too. We all know apple will always fall down from the tree because this is law of nature. I guess every human being on the planet has the fate to experience "pleasure" and "pain" law to determine their destinies.

This trivial event actually made a slight change in my focus every time I try so hard to gain more pleasure and stay away from pain. Whenever I am feeling insecure and start fidgeting, I immediately realize this is what my brain believes it should do to experience more pleasure, and stay out of pain. Weird. It's more weird when I start feel peacefulness and content when I am being aware and accept myself during that situation. I am sure there is something beyond pain and pleasure. If I experience that "beyond", I would probably not be a human anymore. That would be nice. I guess I am being a little smart ass today. If you believe you know what's the beyond, please contribute in the comment section below.

When I am Gone

I had a good time today. I watched couple episodes of Sopranos (just finished the second season), read a nice book to learn more of charisma, went out for a drive to buy some fresh salads for lunch, and enjoyed the mild weather.

When I finished brushing my teeth at night, I look at myself in the mirror and for strangest reason I asked myself who I really am? I don't believe in god, angel, heaven and hell bullshit. But what if we are just like everything in this world i.e. chair, table, trees, butterfly, clock, spiders? We simply meant to be exist. What if we are not so special that we think we are? We chose to make our lives full of dramas. We create unique meanings to our experiences. We created the right and wrong. We reproduce kids to pass our ownership. What if a human becomes simple piece of meat when it dies (just like an insignificant squashed spider)? Does it really matter if you get buried or burned? Does it matter who gets all your money?

I don't know. Even if I know all answers what difference it would make? I would still live a moral life, experience a roller coaster ride, despise my old age and pass away. Sometimes I wish my life is more like a fairy tale Aladdin story. Then I would at least know I will live happily forever. LOL. I usually get jealous when a baby is born, when I am watching school kids waiting for their bus, or hanging out with their mom. It's kind of nice that those kids will have more opportunities to experience hundred years from now when I will be gone.

What do you think? Anything?