Feeding my Ego

I realized our ego needs frequent feeding. But all egos are not created equally. Different egos love various kinds of foods. Some foods are as follows: pity on others, being grateful, pride/boasting, feeling needed/wanted, feeling powerful, superior. There are countless more delicious foods for ego.

However, there are bitter foods that ego interpret as poisons. Some of them are: humiliation, rejection, hate, disapproval, disappointment, feeling inferior. Every time ego eat those, it has stomach ache, puke, or cry for help.

I am made of ego. I am an ego. I need frequent feeding of approval from superiors, and I want to be liked by everyone. My ego feels threatened when it gets disapproved. It then tries its best and worked harder to gain approval. The life cycle of ego probably is when my physical body is dead and rotten. Somehow I feel relieved that I said it. It's good to put a problem into "it" or "thing". It's actually easy to make something a third person. That's another excellent way to put problem in perspective!

Epiphany

I had few realization today about myself that's holding me back to me to be truly happy and successful. I am a goal seeker. I am stubborn enough to keep working on goals blindly no matter how stupid it is. Even if it takes months and I won't get much in return I keep on riding. Even if people around me give me feedback I am not on the right track, I think they are incredibly stupid and I am the smart one. Most of the time I am right. I graduated being the top 10% in college and a top performer at work. I always think I am special and everyone is boring.

But today after having an interesting conversation, I realized I don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. I just keep on chasing after valueless goals that may not have any great return on investment. I don't listen to anyone's feedback and never change my course because I think I am right. My greatest strength of being a hard ass persistent backfires me. I never take few minutes to review whether the goal I am seeking is really worth it? Will it give me highest rate of return? Can there even be better way?

I realized that the reason I never change my course is because I am afraid of change. I am a pussy when it comes of making changes and crossing stronger comfort zone. So, from now on, I will consistently make subtle changes. I consistently cross my comfort zone. I consistently be unpredictable.

But I still believe people are boring...and I am awesome no matter what. That probably will not change any time soon. Sorry!

15 Years From Now

I would be grateful of all the pain and sufferings I went through, all my persistence and discipline to be the best. I will be grateful of having faith to be independent and fully capable one day to take on any challenges and bullshit I am given. I will still have challenges and lots of bigger problems to solve, but I know I will be much better,  intelligent and powerful enough to solve any kind of problems. I know I will still need to maintain my success (i.e. daily disciplines, great mindset, being healthy) till the day I die, but it's nice to contemplate what kind of awesome guy I will become when I will turn 40.

I want to enjoy this journey to the fullest. All I hope is that I don't make stupid mistakes like getting married, getting someone pregnant, or paying off 50 years mortgage! 

Using Money to Maintain Relationship

There has been one small event that has been killing me inside little by little in the last 3 weeks. I am not feeling disappointed or sad, but it's just something that has been bothering me in the background.

A few 3 weeks ago a person close to my family asked for some money because he is kind of in a big trouble. In our family, we don't usually borrow money from each other; I just give it as if I won't get it return. I usually lend a lot of money to my friends when they are in trouble, but we usually have a explicit contract to return it back by a certain date, or I will never lend them any money in the future!  But doing something similar to a family seem awkward or sure fire way to break family ties.

He helped me a lot during my younger days which I can't really repay and he is blood relative. So it was incredibly hard for me to make up my mind because I am saving up for an important vacation coming up soon.  So I said plainly I won't contribute any money at all in the next couple months, and that's a lot of money he is asking. It felt bad and I knew I disappointed the person. I am sure he whined and complained behind my back. But I realized that my needs will always comes before anything else in the world.

This small decision not to give away money to a family person has been bothering me a little bit last few weeks. I am cool and collected guy. I am known to handle stress and uncertainty with calmness, but somehow it has been killing me inside even though it's not my fault (I can't afford it). I can do whatever I want with my hard earned money I get from my job.  But today, I decided I just going to send minimum possible amount (which will not hurt my bank balance), but still adequate to make the relative happy. At least I won't feel guilty anymore. So, I went to Western Union website, send out good amount of money, and notify my friend that the money is transferred and that's all I could afford.

After doing that, I am feeling all better now. Not because I helped a friend. I don't give a fuck about making people happy. But it seemed more congruent to my important values - loyalty  & integrity. It also gave me a peace in mind!

I realized that I love money and I am going to make more and more in the future years to come. Money is just a material need, and it won't be with me when I am dead. If I could be used some of it to maintain a relationship and provide sone peace of  my mind, why not use it even if it never comes back? :)