Short Life

I think it is inevitable I will die one day. It would be shorter than I expect. I know my highest priority is gain more money and power, but I believe I also want to accumulate wonderful experiences in my life. Even if it sounds silly, I should seize those opportunities I can afford to take. Few moments I am dead, those money I made in my 401K accounts, reputations I build by for many years, or poor career choices that won't matter. I would regret those small courageous choices I could have made to make my life more interesting. That kiss from the girl I met in the club, interesting conversation with close friends in a exotic restaurant, living in a foreign country, buying an interesting artwork, approach a very beautiful woman to tell how gorgeous her hair looks,  or jumping 10,000 ft from the plane would be remembered as a souvenir.  I also don't think I can cross all items from my bucket list. But I believe I can increase the probability to gain more interesting experiences in my lifetimes with right attitude. I know doing fun, adventurous and interesting things may seem like they have zero return on investments. But if I am not happy, then what's the whole point of money, power and status?

P.S: I do encourage to take the leap and cross the comfort zone; but don't risk it by being broke. That's called stupidity.

Best Way to Put Out a Fire

I think the best way to extinguish a fire is to not to allow it to grow. That means cutting the factors that allows it to be created in the first place i.e. oxygen. We can all agree that it would be silly to extinguish a fire with more fire. More fire will just let it grow more and end up destroying what's left of things we are trying to protect.

I think emotions are similar to fire. It is a chemical storms in our brain that allows us to survive and make decision in this fast paced 21st century. They are energy.  Energy can never be created or destroyed, but it can be transformed from one form to another. I realized that bad shits happen in our lives, we start to give more emotions around those issue and end up amplifying it further. I think the solution is if we let the emotions be there and simply observe. A fire in a lamp can be lit for so long until it runs out of oil. I think if I just let it be there and be the silent observer long enough, the emotions just decapitates.

Does that mean I ask you to suppress your emotions? Not at all. Suppress or avoiding the issue at hand also take a lot of energy. As a result it helps the fire to grow more. I pretty much spend my entire childhood life suppressing fear and anger, and that didn't go so well. I think one of the best way (I didn't say best way) to let go of an insufferable emotion in the moment is to let it be there for a while. Feel it. Play with it. But do not try to use force, analysis, rationalization, and suppression. I just let it be there for a while even if it hurts because I know it's time and observation that heal it for good. 

Happiness for Dummies

I was in the coffee shop during lunch break to catch up with a book I was reading and I abruptly started laughing aloud with no reason. I kind of felt like a crazy idiot in the middle of the busy shop. But that made me ponder of an idea I never thought of before. I wondered how often people are happy in their lifetime? Can happiness be measured? How can I tell if a person is happier than the next people on the line?

The truth is everyone has their unique definition of happiness. For example, one woman could be happy to meet a man of her dreams, raise kids, and enjoy financial securities. Another woman could be happy to travel a lot, surround herself with horny men and spend time with her pets. But let's say both of them of achieved what they always wanted. The first woman is enjoying her family as a house wife. The second has travel all over the world and enjoy tons of unprotected sexual experience with men. What exactly do they need to feel and look to judge they are actually happy? I would say they would definitely have smiles in their faces, shows enthusiasm, uplighting in everything they do, treat others with kindness etc. etc. etc. I mean to say you can tell a lot if someone is happy based on her behavior. It's no rocket science. No matter what the circumstances are; happiness is only an emotion.

So I wonder if seeking happiness is the purpose of our life, then why not just create happiness whenever I want. Why not behave and feel like a happy person as if I already achieved my dreams? I think we would need to allow ourselves to be happy; just like we allow ourselves to be lazy or sad. It's just an emotion. It's a very cheesy idea but there is a truth in it.

Finally I started think a step ahead. How often an average person could be happy in a lifetime? I would say most people rely on their surroundings, culture and people around them for happiness. So it's safe to assume an average person who is reactive towards external situations aren't very much happy. Having external situations that create happiness all the time is like winning a lottery.  I realized that in order to be happiest person around I would behave like a happy person more often. My goal should to be happier than most people by behaving being happy in my life. I know it sounds crazy because it's crazy. I used to believe that smiling and laughing with no reason makes me an idiot. Now I think I would rather to be happy and crazy idiot than finding reasons to feel unhappy. That does not mean I need to be people pleasing loser who smiles when disrespected and take it for granted. I guess that's a different blog post I want to discuss about. You get my point!

P.S: I wrote a post a few days ago how suffering is as important as happiness. Yes I know my ideas are conflicting. I am just a weird guy. Fuck you!

Clarity Ends Fear

Clarity is one thing I really want in my life. It solves many things. In my past experiences, whenever I needed to deal with a difficult issue, I realized clarity solved it for me. It is like a truth and it sets me free. Today I realized that being confused, fearful, and aimlessness are the opposite of clarity. For example, death is something I have always been afraid of. The thought of growing old and die isn't pleasant. I think the only reason I am afraid of death because I can't fathom what exactly death means. I never experienced death. I don't know if I will actually have an after life or I am gone for good. I don't know if I will suffer from massive pain when I will die. In this case, the lack of my understanding of death makes it more fearful.  The vagueness makes it hundred fold fearful than it actually is.

But what if I truly understand the fear and all it's consequences? What if I know exactly how I will feel and know how it feels in the end of the tunnel? What if I am certain there is no such thing as death? I guess all those certainty creates gods & religions.  I believe if I am clear of what exactly the fear means, then I know how to deal with it. I guess this is a good place to mention famous Sun Tzu's sayings -

"If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle."

Fear is my enemy. I believe by fully comprehending it, I can overcome it. I think clarity truly ends fear.

Suffering For Dummies

In last few years of my life, I have been chasing after happiness. I always have the wet fantasy that if I achieve bigger things, I will be more fulfilled and live happily ever after. In one of my blog post, I talked about filling the void for achieving the purpose of life. One of my purpose was to end all sufferings in my life. It's not a like I actually suffer from people and situations. I actually suffer by myself. I suffer by my unreal expectations of myself and the world. I suffer from not getting what I want faster. There is always that uneasiness buzzing in the background and my mind is always creating unresolved drama. I am a very ordinary and predictable guy, but there is still so much drama going inside of me. I sometimes wonder what's going on other people's mind? Are they happy and ease with themselves?

So I kind of come to a theory that there is no such thing as ending suffering. Suffering is similar to the laws of gravity. It's always going to be there. We don't blame gravity when the plane crashes or someone fall down from the roof. In the same way, we shouldn't blame being suffered and being in pain. I think there is always a way to minimize my suffering by taking positive actions and letting go of those emotions, but I don't believe we could permanently end suffering. All these mind tricks few personal development workshops teach us, such as, letting go of emotions, setting greater goals, raising standards, having personal mission statements are going to make me way happier than most people. But I don't think that will end sufferings. That's an unrealistic expectation.

So I don't want to end my my sufferings. I want to bring pain more in my life in the same way I bring happiness. I want to be cheated, betrayed, humiliated, rejected, embarrassed, lost and feeling hopelessness. Because in that way I can fully feel it and appreciate the joy and happiness. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is no such thing as living my dreams (how could it be a dream if you are already experiencing it?). There is no such thing as greater calling. We born, we live and we die. Suffering is simply part of us and we should embrace it!

Being Enough

I always try to figure out what could be someone's purpose in life. I have so many definitions. But I really think the purpose in life to fill the void so that you could be enough. I think may be what I have right now is enough for me, and there isn't any void to fill. May be I create those unnecessary voids or emptiness in my life and try to fill them up with problems, dramas and ambitions?

I know it's good to have goals. But I don't want to waste my entire life chasing after "purpose" that does not even exists. May be the purpose in my life is to exists. I am simply a small piece of a larger puzzle. I am supposed to exists to fill a void that's too much for me to comprehend. 

7:00 AM

I recall an interesting quote this morning, "Waiting is a state of mind". Waiting never really does anything good, but keep us away from the present.  This makes me think of all the things I want in my life and I am waiting for them to happen.  However, in order to be there, I would need to be right now. I would choose to focus on what the life has given me this moment and use those resources right now to build my life. I don't think life owes me anything. I just have to use those scattered pieces lying in front of me, and then put them together!

Another thing - I think everything is a choice. If we do something out of craving and inadequacy, it coming from pain. If we conciously chose something out of abundance, then it's coming out of pleasure. I think anything created by pain isn't worth having. Am I wrong?

Loser

I felt like a greatest loser in the planet when I woke up this morning. Strange dreams + Fast food last night => Crappy morning. I was thinking why I am not getting the result in an important area of life. Every time I come so close, I get pushed few steps back. I am still not getting enough even though I tried so hard this year. It's as if I am not meant to earn it like everyone else. Then I realized that being sad and disappointed are part of the success. I must allow myself to be devastated and be completely okay with the pain until I am being invulnerable to those stupid craps. The success is not just to achieve what I actually want, but also be okay with it if I completely lose it.  If I got it so easily then I would not even appreciate it. I am glad it is a painful and frustrating journey. But I know when I reach my first milestone, then it is going to be worth it.

Dealing With Mental Struggles

In have realization in last 2 days last work that I rush into solving problems and thinking each task as a mission to be completed; must be completed. I rush. I struggle. I get afraid that if I don't work out stressful reaction and don't worry, my manager and authority will yell at me. I get tense at each task. I feel like if I don't stress out and struggle, then I won't accomplish my tasks. I am fucking myself up by worrying that being stressed out, struggle in my mind and see it a must thing to do, it will help me get the job done.

I struggle insufferably even if the tasks is too small. I put too much mental force, rush and accelerate on something small instead of being delicate. But now I think about it, no matter how big the problem, how will struggling in my mind help me get the job done faster?

As easy as it sounds, I have been constantly fucking myself up for number of years (probably all my life). The quote from the book really opened my eyes, "No matter what happens, I will create no more pain. I will create no more problems". It takes a choice to make this decision. It's very difficult choice to make. :(

Kari-Lynn

I think there are special people we luckily meet in our lives who immediately makes us feel better. I met someone today who really made me rejuvenated. I was burned out and little sad because I had to let go of someone close to me today. I was frustrated and felt challenged. So it was truly a blessing to meet her, and I am glad I had that stimulating conversation!

Unintentional Benefit

There are things that we do without wanting to take any credits for and end up getting recognized. I had one of those weeks. I had to catch up with one of my project, but I was moved to a different project to look into an issue business are having. It took me so much time from my current project, that I ended up working during my 2 days that were supposed to be my vacation. I didn't care much because I just want to meet my project deadline. I have a proven record to get all project done on schedule, but my current project will not be any different. But somehow it really made 2 of my project managers kind of upset that I worked my days off. They said they really appreciate I am taking initiative, but hopefully we don't have to work my days off again. They felt little guilt that I had to go through this. I am glad there are people who appreciate what I do.

Happy Birthday!

I turned 26 today. Not a big accomplishment, but my birthday forces me to look back my past 12 months and see if my life has been changed for the better. To be honest, it actually did. My birthday is like a "new year day" for myself.  I have changed a lot and my life situations have been changed. The doors that were closed are now open. I am more ambitious and capable than I ever could be in my life. I have formed new & exciting relationships which I thought wasn't even possible. I am a different person now. I am more grateful, happy and in control than the last ten years of my life. Well done!!!

I do have one promise to myself. Next year is going to be so much exciting. Fun has just started!

Doubt vs. Believe

Ever since I was growing up, I have learned not to put faith in others. I always believed that disappointment is a law of nature similar to gravity. You can't completely trust someone because humans are imperfect creature, full of mistakes and unpredictability. I think that's okay. I have learned to use these imperfections as an advantage. I always watch my back and always took responsibility because I know no one will be there when my life is fucked up. I felt misunderstood during my upbringings, and always wanted to be desired and approved by others (which I think is a sign of weakness).

But nowadays, I realized I want to believe in others even if there is a minor chance of disappointment. I want to believe they will succeed to the fullest. I want to believe they will be happy and live a blessed life. There was a time, I always wished people believed in me, and now I am on my own, I will try my best to believe in others as much as I can. I think believing in your friends or signifiant others is the greatest gift you can ever give them. It's a sign that you genuinely care about them. Don't just encourage them half-heartedly; believe they could be the best. May be just making them think that someone is there looking up to them is enough to ignite something they actually need to be more successful.

It makes me feel weird just to write this blog post because this is unlike me. I guess a psychopath like me can change.

Life is a game to be played, not problem to be fixed

There are 2 crossroads. If I only see life as a game and encounter every challenges as a game to be played, will that make me less better than seeing the challenge as a problem to be fixed?

If I simply enjoy my life as it is, will that make me take everything for granted and I will be prone to accomplish less? Is that a bad thing not to be uncomfortable and unsatisfied? Is that a bad thing to always seek harder goals as if accomplishing those will make me happier? Or Any goals are an illusion to happiness? No matter how much I accomplish, I will always take it for granted eventually. So, what exactly are goals for?

Problems

I noticed by mental state this morning that I am addicted to problems. I like to brag about my problems. I want to approval from others by having problems. If I am addicted to having problems, then what's the point of solving them? Do I create problems in my life? Is having a problem simply a belief about things needed to be done, or fix? May be it's my mental blueprint how things really should be and I need to make them my way. Whatever the problem is, I think having problem (both physical and mental) is just an illusion. May be there is no such thing as problems?

There are no bad experiences

I have learned a beautiful ideal. If I could use every circumstances (either good or bad) happened in my life as an opportunity for growth to be better and learn important lesson, then my life experience would so much powerful than a regular dude who lives his life and being there as  slave of circumstances. I don't mean being fucking high and smile like a fucking stupid idiot at all times even if everything is not going as planned, or people not treating me with respect. I mean taking every situation as lessons to grow and be a better man. If I feel like a crap, I should feel like a crap. If I get gang banged and raped by bunch of dudes, I should feel like killing myself. If I lose my friends, family, social status, and everything in my life, I should just give up. If I just learn I have a terminal cancer and I will live for just 3 months, I should feel like life has been totally unfair. I think that is okay. Emotions just lie. It shows our current state. Emotions shows what we are, but it does not show what we could be. So I would not rely on it to take my life decisions.

But during those times, I should remind myself, this might be another opportunity in disguise to take myself to the next level. Life would be so much easier if we could find those opportunities easily. Fuck god. Fuck your family. Fuck the universe. It is up to you to decide and make everything as an opportunity. I believe it takes time, patience and asking right questions to uncover the truth. I hope it shed some light on why there could no such thing as bad experience.

Feeding my Ego

I realized our ego needs frequent feeding. But all egos are not created equally. Different egos love various kinds of foods. Some foods are as follows: pity on others, being grateful, pride/boasting, feeling needed/wanted, feeling powerful, superior. There are countless more delicious foods for ego.

However, there are bitter foods that ego interpret as poisons. Some of them are: humiliation, rejection, hate, disapproval, disappointment, feeling inferior. Every time ego eat those, it has stomach ache, puke, or cry for help.

I am made of ego. I am an ego. I need frequent feeding of approval from superiors, and I want to be liked by everyone. My ego feels threatened when it gets disapproved. It then tries its best and worked harder to gain approval. The life cycle of ego probably is when my physical body is dead and rotten. Somehow I feel relieved that I said it. It's good to put a problem into "it" or "thing". It's actually easy to make something a third person. That's another excellent way to put problem in perspective!

Epiphany

I had few realization today about myself that's holding me back to me to be truly happy and successful. I am a goal seeker. I am stubborn enough to keep working on goals blindly no matter how stupid it is. Even if it takes months and I won't get much in return I keep on riding. Even if people around me give me feedback I am not on the right track, I think they are incredibly stupid and I am the smart one. Most of the time I am right. I graduated being the top 10% in college and a top performer at work. I always think I am special and everyone is boring.

But today after having an interesting conversation, I realized I don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. I just keep on chasing after valueless goals that may not have any great return on investment. I don't listen to anyone's feedback and never change my course because I think I am right. My greatest strength of being a hard ass persistent backfires me. I never take few minutes to review whether the goal I am seeking is really worth it? Will it give me highest rate of return? Can there even be better way?

I realized that the reason I never change my course is because I am afraid of change. I am a pussy when it comes of making changes and crossing stronger comfort zone. So, from now on, I will consistently make subtle changes. I consistently cross my comfort zone. I consistently be unpredictable.

But I still believe people are boring...and I am awesome no matter what. That probably will not change any time soon. Sorry!

15 Years From Now

I would be grateful of all the pain and sufferings I went through, all my persistence and discipline to be the best. I will be grateful of having faith to be independent and fully capable one day to take on any challenges and bullshit I am given. I will still have challenges and lots of bigger problems to solve, but I know I will be much better,  intelligent and powerful enough to solve any kind of problems. I know I will still need to maintain my success (i.e. daily disciplines, great mindset, being healthy) till the day I die, but it's nice to contemplate what kind of awesome guy I will become when I will turn 40.

I want to enjoy this journey to the fullest. All I hope is that I don't make stupid mistakes like getting married, getting someone pregnant, or paying off 50 years mortgage! 

Using Money to Maintain Relationship

There has been one small event that has been killing me inside little by little in the last 3 weeks. I am not feeling disappointed or sad, but it's just something that has been bothering me in the background.

A few 3 weeks ago a person close to my family asked for some money because he is kind of in a big trouble. In our family, we don't usually borrow money from each other; I just give it as if I won't get it return. I usually lend a lot of money to my friends when they are in trouble, but we usually have a explicit contract to return it back by a certain date, or I will never lend them any money in the future!  But doing something similar to a family seem awkward or sure fire way to break family ties.

He helped me a lot during my younger days which I can't really repay and he is blood relative. So it was incredibly hard for me to make up my mind because I am saving up for an important vacation coming up soon.  So I said plainly I won't contribute any money at all in the next couple months, and that's a lot of money he is asking. It felt bad and I knew I disappointed the person. I am sure he whined and complained behind my back. But I realized that my needs will always comes before anything else in the world.

This small decision not to give away money to a family person has been bothering me a little bit last few weeks. I am cool and collected guy. I am known to handle stress and uncertainty with calmness, but somehow it has been killing me inside even though it's not my fault (I can't afford it). I can do whatever I want with my hard earned money I get from my job.  But today, I decided I just going to send minimum possible amount (which will not hurt my bank balance), but still adequate to make the relative happy. At least I won't feel guilty anymore. So, I went to Western Union website, send out good amount of money, and notify my friend that the money is transferred and that's all I could afford.

After doing that, I am feeling all better now. Not because I helped a friend. I don't give a fuck about making people happy. But it seemed more congruent to my important values - loyalty  & integrity. It also gave me a peace in mind!

I realized that I love money and I am going to make more and more in the future years to come. Money is just a material need, and it won't be with me when I am dead. If I could be used some of it to maintain a relationship and provide sone peace of  my mind, why not use it even if it never comes back? :)

Grateful Being Young

I came back from work late because of another busy day. It doesn't happen all the time, but when something goes wrong I want to take 100% responsibility. Now I am in my apartment, finishing my shake, lying down on my couch, and contemplating about life. I was thinking that one day I grow old and thinking about my young days in life in my favorite past time, I would smile at myself. I hope there will still be blue sky, green trees, and noisy birds outside the window may be 30 more years from now. :)

Cool Day!

It was one of the busiest day of the month because I had to fix few defects on my project I completed few weeks ago. I had an interesting finding about myself - There are things I could find unfair, unjust, completely miserable, and will cause overload. But I do have a choice to see this in different light by practicing being more cool, relaxed, and objective during those situations. Without a calm state of mind, I am going to lose for sure. No matter how much I suck, how big the problem I have, or how messy my life is - I have choice to be cool, centered, and relaxed. So it is important to ask positive questions, and take frequent break even in the busy schedule. I am not doing myself any favor if I try to get something done by bare brute force and will power.

Today, I solved problems being intelligent, calm, positive, and using empowering questions that pointed me to the right directions. I also did all the right things I was supposed to do to prepare myself for the day - good workout routine, clean diet, and good self-talks. I would score myself at least 95/100 today even though some people would interpret it as stressful if they were in my shoes.

Be A Nobody

There are somedays at work and personal life I feel like a complete idiot, but there are days I definitely feel like a rockstar software developer, cool guy, more attractive and confident. Today is one of those days I felt like a fucking idiot. I was not in the right emotional state of mind because I didn't get enough rest previous night, and I overworked myself in the gym this morning by doing too many dead lifts and squats. I felt so sleepy at 8 AM (just when I got to work), I couldn't think clearly enough. I was spending too much time figuring out tiny details, and didn't spend time on the big picture. I asked questions that won't matter, and focused too much time on irrelevant details. During the end of the day, I felt like I haven't done enough work and that made me feel guilty. But I did realize this is part of the problem solving process - I get stuck with a problem, I spend too much time gathering informations, and I figure out a solution eventually. I know that but I still felt bad about myself. I couldn't communicate clearly to the team either.

I kind of felt so crappy that I started to ask myself whether I was always an idiot? I was never late to meet my project deadlines, and I always delivered excellent quality products. It hurt my ego to be stupid and I felt like nobody. Then I realized that it's nice to be nobody somedays. When I feel like an idiot, it hurts my ego. If I am completely okay with myself regardless of ego getting hurt, that would make me stronger. That was a good realization because eventually I will lose everything - my ego, my possessions, and my ambitions. All will be gone at some point of my life; may be the moment of my death.

Asshole!

I was driving back to my apartment after buying my lunch on Sunday afternoon.  I had a make a U-Turn at some point with my car to go to a different directions, and the guy in the car behind me started tapping his horns, and yelled, "You Asshole!". I looked back, and was 90% sure it might be me he was trying to yell at, but I continued driving. I wasn't sure why making a U-turn in the intersection when green light was clearly there make someone mad, so was confused what I did wrong.

While I was on my way, I realized this was the first time a stranger ever called me an asshole. The guy was clearly very impolite, and chances are he does that to his friends and family. However, I live such a boring and straightforward hard that it's hard to make someone mad at me. I also know this is going to destroy the relaxed and peaceful state of mind I was having on Sunday!

So, I decide to apply the "Right Actions Over Emotions" rules. What are the right actions I can take to make myself feel better? The first thing that came in my mind is to be relaxed. So I took few deep slow breaths to keep my body chemistry under control, and not go to a fight-or-flight response. It helped a little bit, but my ego still hurts. Then, what could be next best thing I could do to let it go? I realized whenever I get mad, I tend to think about the problem too many times, and asked questions like, "How he is..?", "How can I kick his ass?", "May be that guy is an idiot?" etc. That never helped. So I decided not to overanalyze this time.

I still felt little bit bad, and it was still ruining my Sunday afternoon.  So, I thought about the technique I learned from Tony Robbins to get rid of additions/fear, and wanted to apply it. The technique is to visualize the images that cause bad emotions, and come up with ridiculous images to scratch the image enough times so that my brain couldn't recreate the bad emotions. It's kind scratching a record played for gramophone. I thought of something incredibly disgusting while repeating that scenario couple dozen times. After doing that, I found out I don't miraculously feel bad anymore. Somehow my visualization scratched out that bad experiences & emotions.

I did it within 20-30 minutes, and was able to enjoy my sandwich at my apartment in peace of mind. But now, I become more aware that whenever I feel bad, then it's just my ego and body chemistry messing with me. I clearly did something wrong to get someone cussing at me, but probably will never know why. But I understood that I should never involve a hurt ego or make things very personal when figuring something out. My mentor once told me that if I can't get myself let go of bad emotions caused by confronting someone, then I am more of a pussy. He also told me that it involves a lot of practice to be a master of managing my emotions, and it can't be done overnight. Now, I think about it, I do need more practice - I need more people to call me an "Asshole"! :)

Regina

I met a interesting lady today while I was writing up my journals in the coffee shop nearby. We sat close to each other and we ended up having the most interesting conversation I ever had in this week. I suddenly realized she has all qualities I want for someone to be long-term lover, or just close friend. She is an intellectual type, enjoys challenge, have goals, gets my sarcastic joke, and stands for certain ideals which meet mine. She is also gorgeous and similar look like women I usually like to go out with. It was a long enjoyable conversation  even though she mentioned she has kids and I saw no ring.  We got each others names, so that we could at least say hi next time we meet. When I asked hers, she replied, "Regina". I said like "Regina Spektor"?. She smiled, and advised me to learn how to bike because I don't. But she was so into this conversation that she forgot to take her purse, remote starter, a text book from college when she left. I ended up putting her stuff in the lost & found section of coffee shop. I felt kind of guilty of distracting her to forget her stuffs. I am afraid she is going to freak out when she will arrive home and regret talking with me!

I realized something interesting from this conversation. I met at least 10 new women this week through various situations (i.e. office, groceries, bar, coffee). All of them were pretty, and have decent conversational skills. I only found this one woman most intriguing of all. I also realized I would rather have one quality interaction that grows into me than 10 interactions that don't mean much. However, it's still a numbers game. In order to get one quality woman in life, I would need to go through 10 crappy interactions. I am wondering how many interactions will it take to meet the next girl I find a good match. All in all, these are interesting findings! :)

The way you do one thing is that way you do everything

I read this motivational saying from an article few days ago, and it let me change some of my behaviors. As a guy in my mid-twenties, I still feel like I must continue improvement in some areas of my life - career, wealth, women, health, family etc.

Sometimes the way I treat myself in one area of my life tend to affect other areas of my life too. For example, if I don't treat people who I don't know genuinely, the chances are I am treating my family in the same manner. If I am clumsy and wasteful with my own body and eat whatever shit what tastes like fry, chances are I will feed my kids as much worse  (I don't have any though). If I don't learn how to relax while being impatient, or learn how to be comfortable on my own time, then I probably am nervous around people, and difficult situations.

I believe "The way you do one thing is that way you do everything" makes sense in some level. It's not highly accurate because the way I like talking with my close friends and like making fun of them, I probably never want to do the same thing for my coworkers in the office. But this is still something to keep in mind in my day to day life. No matter how small the task is, if I don't do it right, then I pretty don't do anything right for bigger projects. For example, if a Walmart cashier is crappy, unmotivated, and sucks at doing her job, what are the chances she will perform well if she was promoted to be the CEO (hypothetically)? You get the point.

Few Milliseconds Before Waking Up

I have an spiritual friend who used to tell me that when we are sleeping, we don't have any identity or some shit. We become merged with the one. I didn't understand that completely yet, but I kind of get what he was saying. If you point a gun a someone asleep, he is not going to beg for his life. He isn't there.

However, I have an interesting realization this morning. Just few milliseconds before I was waking up, I was a little conscious and couldn't identify myself. I couldn't care or didn't know who I was. Interestingly I found it as a big relief. I don't know why. I am not serial killer, or didn't done something terribly wrong in my life which I wish it would go away. I am also cool with who I am and what direction my life is moving.  I realized that the body is all I have for that moment, and I couldn't care of my identity, needs, wants. So I still wonder why I felt relieved? Then after few short seconds my brain rebooted, I came back to who I am right now. I am pretty sure I am not inheriting any memory loss disease, and this is not a hang over (I didn't go out last night). But something I ponder about...

And, yes, I will do a quick checkup with my doctor just to be sure. Doctor will probably think I am an idiot. :)

I am Awesome!

I just realized how I awesome I was today both at work & socially. I had some excellent breakthrough at meetings, problem solving, and important lessons I learned about myself that is going to benefit to push beyond who I am. I have learned to be more relaxed, centered, and focused. I was in a very flow state today. I have learned who I am beyond the surface level. I knew what I was doing, and was matured about dealing with difficulties. I earned respect & recognition. I understood that I must give 100% focus on task at hand no matter how small it is. I also understood what it means to take 100% responsibility on anything.

I am awesome! :)
Yea, I am bragging because this is my personal blog. Don't ruin this moment!

Choosing right actions over emotions

I had an excellent work out early morning before driving to office, enjoyed healthy oat meal, had positive thoughts as soon as I woke up, and do other normal routines that help me to go above and beyond than most people. I am destined for starting a wonderful day!

But around noon in my office, I started to feel not right. This is not a caffeine crush because I don't drink coffee, and I had good salad for lunch. I just don't feel right because I just completed a big project last week, and now I have some free time to slack off. It didn't feel right, and I felt miserable inside to be doing less. I am a workaholic. I hate not feeling "right"!

Then I asked myself few interesting questions, "Have I done all the right things I am supposed to today?", "Have I acted in the right way to move towards my long term goal?".  The answer was close to "Yes". Then I realized my everyday chores are boring, but they are still the right things to do. Even though there will be days my journey towards my bigger goals will suck, and I would feel crappy for no fucking reason, I should still remind myself that it's the right actions that are more important than my emotions.

I know there are spiritual teachers that tell that emotions & feelings don't lie. That's right. I agree with that. But for getting the things done appropriately, I believe "right actions" take precedence over "right emotions". Just because I am feeling sad and lazy doesn't mean that I am allowed to miss my work out today. Just because I incredibly in a good mood doesn't mean I am allowed to enjoy the moments by eating junk food. Just because people are watching doesn't mean I can't approach that cute girl in the corner.  Emotions don't usually lie; but I think it misguide us to do the wrong thing if we aren't careful enough. It's better to remain objective to my emotions. For now on - right actions over emotions!

Am I Enough?

I woke up 10 AM at Sunday morning, and there is that one familiar feeling I get for many year no matter how good or bad the previous day went by. It's feeling of emptiness. It's almost as if I feel like I am not doing enough. I could work harder  and smarter than I am to be happier, healthier, and wiser.

I have been reading for this interesting book recently which talks about slightest change over a longer period of time makes bigger impact and momentum in life. There are no such thing as magic pill. So today I asked a different question. Am I doing little bit enough everyday to reach my ambitions so that five years from now my goals are going to be actualized? The answer was Yes!

I have been following through  those small habit everyday for a long time to reach my goals - workout, business ventures etc. It's a common sense they will all add up to be a person I will become may be a year from now. The book also talks about common expectations people have - they want quick fix for a problem i.e. having six pack abs within 30 days, making a million dollar by winning lottery, meeting soul mates by getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night (I know someone who does), or wishing god has better plans!

They key thing to remember from this post is that tiny, inconsequential daily discipline for a longer period of time makes the person you are. If you are pretty regular in the gym five days a week, and have clean diets, you would eventually have an awesome body. The feeling of emptiness will always be there for you. I kind of believe that's part of being a human. I think I interpreted that "feeling of emptiness" as I am not doing enough. That's my old, faulty belief trying to trick to get a quick fix for solutions! Some people might interpret that totally different. Let me know what's yours!

Chasing After Happiness

Tuesday noon at work, I got a text from my date last weekend and it kind of made me so ecstatic that I could not stop smiling for couple hours, and felt so good.  I treated everyone little bit more better and become more social. I suddenly realized at one point during those moments that it's just not hearing from some blonde that made me happy because I get texts from some girls through out the week. It's just me deciding to be happy. Somehow my brain interpreted that miniscule text to be so desirable that it made me choose to be happy. This is so stupid!

I know I want to enjoy companionship with women because it makes me happy, but do women really make me happy? It's not like I am saying I am thinking whether I am considering being a homosexual, or an asexual hermit who refrain from sex. I am saying whether I could be less rely on women to attain my happiness. I can't control how other people treat me every day; it's not consistent. I have days some girls give me a hard time, and there are days they made me feel like a rockstar.

But how I treat myself every single day could be consistent. I choose to smile, I chose to have confident posture, and I choose to treat people little bit more better. By doing all these, I could be happy and ecstatic all by myself. May be happiness is just a choice? 

What Are Better Goals?

I think best goals are the ones that builds your characters and are more process-driven. That means "showing off six pack abs and packing 15 lb of muscle" is a good and specific goal. But setting a goal to lift weight at least 3 times a week for rest of the year is a better goal. It helps to build a character and make someone more process-driven. I won't get too much disappointed if I can't make it to 9% body fat to get my 6 pack abs, or eat more food to make it to 15 pound of muscle mass. All it matters is that I focused on enjoying the process, and at least follow through. That actually is much more rewarding than the outcome because in the end you become someone better, stronger, and efficient than 365 days ago. You become a better person than most average people who just live their lives, go with flow, and depends on luck. Here are few examples to compare bad, good and better goals -

Here are some "bad" goals:

1. I will lose some weight this year to make myself look better.
2. I want to quit smoking, and go cold turkey.
3. I will get a better job.

Here are "good" version (more specific & has deadline) of the goals:

1. I will drop my body fat to 10% by losing 15 pounds, and pack at least 10 or more pounds of muscle mass by December 30, 2014.
2. I will read 10 quit smoking related books, and completely stop smoking till July 30, 2014 
3. I will submit resumes to 1000 places to get 30 job interviews by December 30, 2014.

Here are "better" version (more specific, has deadline, and process driven) of the goals:

1. I will drop my body fat to 10% by losing 15 pounds, and pack at least 10 or more pounds of muscle mass by December 30, 2014. I will lift weight 3 or more time a week (that is non-negotiable), and plan my daily food intake (calorie surplus/deficit) every week which I will follow through no matter what.
2. I will read 10 quit smoking related books, and completely stop smoking till December 30, 2014. I will drop my smoking to only 2 cigarettes per week until I get comfortable to quit completely.  
3. I will submit resumes to 1000 places to get 30 job interviews by December 30, 2014. I will apply for 2 or more jobs every day for the remaining part of the year, attend at least 1 social event per month to network with professional to grab few business cards, and perform 2 or more cold calls once a week.

The process I mentioned mayn't be effective. I just wrote them down to prove my point. Even if you can't reach your goals by the end of the year, you can at least give yourself a pat in your back to follow through until the end. Achieving goal doesn't mean a shit. It will make you feel better for couple days, then you go back to normal. It's much better if you make something out of yourself while achieving goals - by being disciplined, consistent, hardworking, methodical, social, courageous etc.

Hope it helps to shed some light on making better goals!