New Year's Resolution. It's Been A While...

I pretty much stopped blogging because I ran out of things to write. I have been pretty lazy lately. Mostly contemplating how to use my life for better purpose. I also made drastic changes in my personal daily routines that will be continued for a year. There have been so small things I am currently doing to improve my life. I am starting to think I will be a whole different person by December 31, 2014.

Year 2013 has been MOST resourceful year of my life. I excelled in my job by getting a cornerstone nomination, certified myself as an ethical hacker, created my first mobile android app to educate people to quit smoking, written one book published in the Kindle store, and went to a seminar that helped me cross my comfort zone to change my life for better. I couldn't ask for anything better. I thank the universe for treating me so good lately!!!

I already have few goals in my mind for Year 2014. I realized that the ONLY year I could make 2014 more productive is to work on myself to get better. I want to create something innovative, make myself more educated, and cross more comfort zones. Hey, twenty-fourteen. Here I come!!! :)

Risks

I actually made a very important decision couple weeks ago - I would rather pursue what I want even if my secure reputation is at risk rather than living my life in a shell. To get what I want, I must be willingly to pay the price. 

How to Use Acceptance to Overcome Weakness?

I always hated my foreign english accent ever since I started living in United State for 5 years. I tried faking it to make myself as a local person, but it's always there. It's a permanent part of who I am. I always thought it was a weakness I need to overcome so that people around don't find me inferior, or incompetent. Even though there were friends who continued to support me that it's not a big deal; my accent actually made me self conscious.

But the good news is I finally realized there is no fucking way I can get rid of my voice and accent; it's always a part of me. When I start to accept it as part of myself and fully expressed it, I realized I don't feel uncomfortable about myself anymore. I actually end up making myself center of attention nowadays more often. I think acceptance is one way to overcome personal weakness, or inferiority complex. I also believe using my weakness as an asset to accomplished something great is ideal.

How to Use Power Affirmations to Solve Problems?

One thing I have love & hate about my job is that there is always some problems waiting for me to solve. Some days I feel like I can fix anything, get rid of bunch of issues from the list, and give myself a pat on my back. But there few days it takes hours for me to figure out complicated software bugs from our legacy web applications, and it almost seem impossible to know what's going on. But there is one magic line that keeps me going, and magically turn anything situation around, that is, "We will figure it out!". I don't think it motivates me or psych me up in any way during some very fucked up situation, but I think "some positive thinking is better than no positive thinking". Although the last issue I turn around was a pain in the ass, I found out that these simple & boring few magic words worked wonders for me. Hope this spell works the same for you.

How to Find More Clarity in My Life?

In the last few weeks I have been writing down all my thoughts in my tablet, or blogging. The benefit I reap from writing down my feelings, confusions, and fears verbally is that I get more clarity in my thoughts. I start to understand more of myself - my strengths & weaknesses.

Sometimes I blow a small issue out of proportion, and give it more importance than it's necessary. When I write down those small issues and read them, I find them very trivial to worry of.

I Drive Myself Crazy By Listening to Myself

Sometimes I worry too much of the smallest details. This quality definitely helps me in my job to put all pieces together to solve a complex problem. But whenever I habitually analyze myself I end up with countless random thoughts and possibilities. They drive me crazy because our mind is limitless. I realize I should start being more focused. Instead of thinking so many thoughts, I would just think of just one thought. Just one question to focus at a time.

Five More Weeks Till

I exhaustively read as many reviews as I can before signing up for the vacation. They say this will change everything. They say I should take it before it too late. They say that it's like taking the red pill in Matrix. I believe this is one of best investment I might be making for myself in this year beside passing an expensive certification on September. So I am spending my fortune to travel Dallas and will do my best to make it worth while. The only problem is I have to wait five more weeks and it's going so slow. I bought plane tickets, hotel reservations, shuttle appointments, took my paid time off, and made partial payment for the seminar in advance. I am restless. But I am glad I going to start my new project on Monday. I will be so busy in the next 3 weeks that I will never know when the five weeks will be over.

You Can Do Anything If

I was contemplating my overall life situations and wondering how I can transform my life to the next level - more money, power & freedom. I realized I have to tackle my biggest insecurity even if it's not directly affecting my bank balance or job title. Even if no one cares of that insecurity except me, I should still face it. I realized that if I tackle the personal problem that haunt me for many years, I would have enough confidence to do anything. That's just my thought!

How to Overcome Weakness of Being Overly Sensitive?

I am a touchy-feely guy. A small innocent criticism sometimes rock my world and make me out of place once in a while. I repeat, "once in a while". Today was one of those day when thinking of something happened the other day pissed me off for no reason and my entire emotional state got unstable. Someone gave me a small fashion tips that my dress pants too tight which is improper...
I ended up seeing the world more awkwardly. I felt like my words and actions were out of place. It's not like I was inside my head all the time. I spoke with people in the coffee, chat with my coworkers, and had few project meetings. It's hard to explain, but easy explanation is that I felt sensitive & awkward. I felt inconsistent.

After coming back early today, I had a sudden realization to overcome my ultra sensitive nature. I start rewind the entire day visually without any judgement and found out that everything I did was normal and never out of ordinary. Just by seeing things as it is without putting meaning into them and associate emotions, I was able to overcome the feeling of awkwardness.

Without mental association here is how my day went - I went to office early morning, enjoyed a cup of nice green tea while chatted with people in the line, struggled through few minor project issues, attended few meetings, I remember someone saying few words about my pants, and few more normal & boring things happened. That's all. I had a normal human experience. So from now on I will try my best to see things as it is. 

This is Personal

Some people get curious of me. They try to figure me out. They try to size me up, categorize me, put me in a pigeon hole so that they could get more comfortable around me. I guess a very common human trait (even I share) is that we are uncomfortable with unfamiliarity.

People ask me -

• Where I really from - India, Japan, China, Sri Lanka?
• Is my country really poor? 
• What is your religion? Do you go to church? Why are you not religious?
• Do I have a girl friend? Am I currently dating? Am I married?
• How long have been living in the states? Why are u in this country?
• Do I miss my family? Do any of my folks live here?

Most of the time, I do not feel comfortable to respond to few of the personal questions above unless I know you for a long time (what is at least for a week). If I am an asshole, I usually want to say, "Shut the Fuck Up". But I usually say this is personal, or why don't u google it?

Now I understand I am not a very open & easy person to understand. Heck I don't understand myself so much. I still like putting a smile in my face when greeting people, and listen them deeply. But I hate situation when people interview me with personal questions to size me up.

I am very intelligent guy. I observe things of people that will make them insecure or make the cry. But I overlook them. I wish ordinary people could be that considerate. Since this is humanly impossible to be comfortable with unfamiliarity, my response will always be "this is personal". You can't teach an old dog (or even younger ones) new tricks.

Deserve

I had a realization this morning that everything I got in life is because I believed I deserved it. For example, during days in college, I actually got straight As in courses when I thought I deserve it even if I didn't study much; however, there are courses I worked my ass off but had doubts that it might too good for me, then end up getting B+. It also comes to respect. When I believe I don't deserve some people's respect (probably my manager or coworkers), I end up losing their respect. I think they pick up the subtle cues that I don't believe in myself.

My point is that I should believe I deserve something even though I haven't done enough. Because I will always be not good enough. There will always be someone better or worse than me. I can't control that. However, I have control what I choose to believe. If I believe I do not deserve money, fame and honor, then there is no body else in the world that can help me. It's totally on me.

So, next time I have regrets of my past, I would rather stop blaming my circumstances, and start believing that I am responsible for what I deserve.

Last Few Heart Beats

Even though I am a mortal, I never really experienced it. Ever since I was a kid, I have been told by my siblings that we all will die someday. I never really had first hand feeling about it. I guess I took it for granted, so wasn't able appreciate being alive.

However, last couple of mornings have been different. Every time I wake up, I feel my heart beat and breath, and have realization that my life clock is ticking. As soon as this heart stops beating, I won't exist anymore. All those experience I have accumulated in my life would be so useless. I will disappear from this world as if I never existed.  For some reason, I am glad I have this realization. Now I am starting to appreciate my life much more than before.

Spending Habits - Rich, Poor & Middle-Class

Another interesting idea to share with you. Here is the nut shell of a book, "Rich Dad Poor Dad" I finished reading recently. 

"The rich buy assets. 

The poor only have expenses. 

The middle class buy liabilities they think are assets."

Kiyosaki, Robert T.  (2011-04-25). Rich Dad Poor Dad (Kindle Locations 1119-1122).

One Way To Be A Better Listener

Last couple of days, I have realized that when I ask a coworker for suggestions, most of the time I interrupt him while he was speaking (as if I have a better idea he or she must hear). But I came to a conclusion this is very inappropriate to interrupt someone while he or she is speaking.  I also understood makes me look like an asshole. I used to have a very talkative friend who always ask for advice, and then end up interrupting me when I was speaking because he thinks his ideas are better than mine. So what's the point of giving him any advice?

So, I ended up creating my own technique to be a better listener - Whenever I am having a conversation with someone, I would always remind myself of this phrase "SHUT THE FUCK UP" while he is speaking. I would just nod my head a little bit to show acknowledgement, and pay complete presence. I don't even have to say, "okay" or "makes sense" to show approval. If I have a strong urge to speak, I would take a deep breath to let the tension go. No matter how best my ideas are, or how wrong the person who is speaking, I will never interrupt.  I will simply take any inputs and be more open-minded, but in the end of the conversation I will chose either to approve or disapprove his suggestions. If his ideas suck, I may choose not to let him know this is a bull crap.

I have been following this rule a lot this week during team meeting, informal, and casual conversations, and I must say that this is the best communication method I have applied after a long time.

A Nerd's Guide to Be A Conversationalist

I live 8,260 miles from my parents back home abroad. So I pretty much have to vist them once a year by buying an expensive airline ticket which sometimes cost of a fortune. Beside seeing them once in a while, I have also decided to create a routine to call my mom and dad once or twice to week to speak with them for at least 10 to 15 minutes. I am no "mama's boy", but it is always nice to stay in touch with people closest to me in regular basis. But to be honest with you, speaking in phone for just 10 minutes seems like a chore to me. But I figured out a way to make conversation longer by using a simple technique I learned from an cheesy book I read years ago to improve my social skills, "How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationship". The author calls it "Parroting Technique".

Technique: Just Repeat the Last Couple Words As a Question
Tonight when I was speaking with my dad in phone, I simple repeated the fact he stated with questions. Here is an example. I haven't written word for word. Just something to prove my point:

Dad: "Your little niece is planning to study abroad and getting ready with her TOEFL exam"
Me: "TOEFL exam?"
Dad: "Yes, it sounds she needs to meet the minimum TOEFL score to get college admission"
Me: "Oh, that quite soon. College admission?"
Dad: "Her mom and dad are thinking of sending her abroad and have her elder brother take care of her"
Me: "Oh, elder brother?"
Dad: "Yes, how is he doing these days? Any luck getting a job?"
Me: ....

The above method actually helped couple of times to hit the 15-20 minutes conversation mark. Another thing you could do to make this technique effective to change your tonality when asking your questions. It works like a charm! Communication has never been my strongest skill. I like getting things done by saying as less as possible. But I realized my family and friends are more important than my comfort zone, and I do have to use some kind of methods to make myself better at conversation longer (and less awkward silences).

3 Hot Tips for A New & Inexperienced College Graduate

Six months before I graduated from college with a Bachelor's Degree, I had to spend  hours making cold calls to companies and send resume to couple hundred places. It was a great challenge me because only experience I had was being a night security in a dormitory (who checks id for underage drunk girls) and a visual basic programming tutor. Most companies were looking for someone who at least have internship experience, and not an alien resident. But  finally I did get an offer as a software developer couple days before I graduated. In this post, I want to share three things I had done right in the first six month in my new job:

I Worked My Ass Off
When you are new and inexperienced, you can easily be replaced by someone else better and cheaper than you. You really do not have the luxury to be as comfortable as your experienced coworker who leaves at 5 PM sharp. If you work your ass off in the first six months (I pretty much spend 50-60 hours per week), you would probably prove yourself to the company that you are a valuable assest which would be hard to get rid of. Another advantage is you will gain much more experience in a very short period of time. Nowadays, I try to get my job done within 45 hours a week, but I do thank myself to be diligent in my first 6 months to be a hard worker.

I Asked Lots of Stupid/Idiotic Questions
I was quite new to the technology industry. In my first in the company, it actually meant a world to me to have very minute portion of my code rolled to production environment used by thousands of customers. I also didn't know much technology jargon, and many things I listened to staffs meeting sounded so foreign (like Chinese). So most of the time I felt stupid to ask questions, such as, what is <insert any technology terms>? how can I deal with this?

I Solved Lots of Problems
When first started, my employer just asked me to feel comfortable with the code, and keep myself busy. I wasn't provide much specific directions. I guess they thought it's my training phase since this is my first job after college. However, my mentor (who has been in the industry for over 10 years) advise me to focus on solving problems. And I am glad I took that advice word for word. I ended up fixing over hundred bugs/faulty code with our softwares in my first year. That really helped me to be a better developer, and have me understand the business much better than reading a book

There you go. I am not sure what industry you are but I am sure the same rules apply for you too. You definitely need to be very comfortable being very stupid (even annoying sometimes because you bug a lots of coworkers), and you would alway be solving problems. Unless you work for a big company, you manager would really appreciate for your strong work ethics to spend extra hours in your job. I even got couple hundred dollar gift cards from my manager few months ago for being so deliberate at my work. Well, if you have any more better ideas for a new college graduate, then feel free to share in the comment section below!

Identity - A Fish Name John!

If a fish is born in your aquarium and you call him John, write out a birth certificate, tell him about his family history, and two minutes later he gets eaten by another fish — that’s tragic. But it’s only tragic because you projected a separate self where there was none

Tolle, Eckhart (2009-03-25). The Power of Now (p. 100). New World Library. Kindle Edition.

So True!!!

Parents

A lot of people I have met in my lifetime have issues with their parents. Some weren't provided enough education. One my best friend's dad actually came out from the closet after 20 years of marriage and got married with another dude. A coworker my mine's foster dad actually turned himself into an woman and still lives with her foster mom. I am sure there are dozens of extraordinary ways we had private issues with our parents. But listening to their stories, I feel like my story isn't such a big deal.

During my teenage years, I hated my dad because he was over controlling and yelled at me all time.  No, he never drink. Yes, he provided me enough education. But there were frustrated times in my childhood when I wished him dead. I hated living with fear all those times. After I left my homeland and got a job offer in a different country, my perspectives had been changed a lot in the last 7 years.

In my mid twenties, I would give anything to hear my mom and dad's voice from the phone. I really appreciate what they have done to me in the past and I am glad they get to be my parents. I am not sure how long they will be alive to hear from me, but it's nice I can see them once in a while during my busy schedule. Thirty or forty years from now, I have no clue what's going to happen to me or them. But I really cherish the moments I share with them, and I am very grateful.

Thanks mom and dad! I know you probably would never read this blog post, but I really mean every word I say! :)

-Chase

How Everything About You Is So Trivial?

I have always been fascinated by the universe ever since I was a kid. I remember making small space ships using my lego which father bought for me, and played with those my entire childhood. I had a sudden realization in the coffee shop today that everything we believe is important are actually unbelievably trivial!

I watched "Into the Universe by Stephen Hawking" multiple times and always feel awe by the vastness of the universe. It's truly amazing that our planet are probably no more than a small piece of dust compare of the rest of the universe. It's interesting because it makes me feel both important and trivial at the same time.

I feel important because I am part of the universe. No matter what kind of piece of shit I am, I am essential to the existence of the universe. Didn't get how? I think myself as a very trivial piece of  an oval glass. No matter how trivial I am, if I do not exists then the oval glass become imperfect. But the universe is always perfect. It is made up of energy and I am part of it.

I feel trivial because when I look inside me I have created so much problems in my life. I want certain amount of money, maintain good reputation in my work, pay my credit card bill, think of early retirement, want to travel, and have dozens of insecurities I want to cover up to prove I am a real man. When I think of the vast universe, all the big problems I have seem so much unbelievably little!

After I had this realization in the coffee shop today, I actually started to loosen up a little bit. I looked around people and building around me and felt how small everything around me could me. It's always nice to see things in different perspectives!

Do Nice People Finish Last?

There was a point in my life I had a make an important decision - continue to be a dick, or being humble and respectful to everyone no matter what. I ended up become more humble and respectable through out the last five years though I don't have exact evidence to show you.

During my point of life when I was a dick, being an asshole came off naturally so I didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong. I was a teenager and living under the roof of my parents. They provided me food, shelter, finance and education. But as far as I recall, I was truly ungrateful to them. I thought they could have done more to make my life better i.e. buy my extra toys, give me more freedom to party with my friends, provide me more money to spend, and stop bothering me when hooking up with girls. Even though my parents were doing me a favor for me to live a better life, I was asking for more than my pay grade. I remember complaining and whining to my friends  of how lame my parents was to buy me a cheap computer which can't even have enough video memory to play latest games. I also realized I was also a complete dick to our servants (that's what we call back home). I never showed them respects and treated them as a piece of trash. I actually remember couple of times I falsely accused some servants to steal stuff from my desk, which I know they weren't responsible. I did beat some of them up once in a while. Even though it was my fault, I thought it was much easier to place blame on the minorities. Another way I was a douchebag was how I mistreated kids less fortunate than me. I vividly recall beating up a retarded kid couple of times in our neighborhood which was a complete spur of the moment thing for me. It was a fun activity for me because I was bored and needed a living punching bag to boost my ego. Another example I provide is how I treated people from lower class. Back home, one way of transportation was rickshaw when I commute to high school. I remember I was very frugal when it comes for paying less to old, weak and hungry rickshaw pullers just because they were fucking too slow to drive. I guess it made me feel better to give them pain so that they could share my pain to home late for jerking off. As you can imagine from those few instances, I was a pretty close definition of an ultimate dick.

When I looked back those years, I still feel sick in my stomach for being an asshole. But I made up my mind on one thing. I am going to be respectful and humble to someone NOT for his social status, job position and salary, but for him being a human being. I don't believe nice people finish last. If you are trying to be nice to have someone have sex with you, then the person would easily pick up all the signs and signals that you are desperate. Well, you probably would finish last. But if you are genuinely care of someone, it comes off in a positive way. I guess there are 2 different kinds of "being nice" - being nice for expectations, or being genuinely nice.   I think people who are "being nice for expectations" finish last because they are waiting for outside forces to make a difference to their lives. They are much more reactive. The latter kinds of nice people are more proactive. Their nice comes off more naturally, and, they are probably inward focused. I think I belong to both kind of "nice". I do have expectations once in a while, but I still genuinely care of my loved ones no matter what. I also believe there is still a subtle "asshole-ness" in me, but it is less noticeable. 

What kind of "nice" are you? Why?

How Netflix Drained My Life?

I used to be a Netflix addict. Every evening after work, I used to catch up with latest episodes of "Doctor Who", "Dexter", "Eureka" etc. I consistently spend 2-3 hours a day watching TV shows. Weekend is a whole different story! As a creature of habit, I believe I had been doing these over a year. But a week ago I made a small calculation that made me reconsider this daily habit.

Here is my math:

If I spend 3 hours day watching television shows for a year, I would spend (365 X 3) = 1095 hours. Divide 1096 hours by 24, you will get around 45 whole days in a year. So, I am spending 12% of my year watching a high definition plasma tv which will add zero value to my life.  (My definition of value is anything that makes me better, richer and stronger. Yours might be different.)

Let's say I keep watching 3 hours per day for the next 20 years of my life (I am not even mentioning any special occasions), then I would spend (20 X 45) = 900 days or 2.5 years of my life watching story of actors who don't care about me.

Conclusion:

To me that's a lot of time spend. I even finished my college degree within 3 years. Think about how much I can accomplish if I spend time that adds value to those 2.5 years!

Yes, I know I should have time for more fun and nowadays, I do watch something entertaining occasionally. That's really okay! But I believe it's kind of crazy to have it as a daily habit which you carry on for the rest of your life. I would rather be moderate, then make it part of my daily habit!

Parents Vs. Computer Programmers

As a computer programmer, I found similarities between human habits and software. I develop softwares and make them act or interpret stuff in a certain way. In the same way, humans are programmed in their early childhood to also behave in certain way by their parents/caretakers.  Parents program their children to develop resourceful habits (which I also call softwares) such as brushing teeth, paying respect to elders, dinner etiquette, and studying new concepts. Parents could also program children to ingrain destructive habits, such as, making excuses, procrastination, approval seeking, avoiding confrontation etc. Some of those habits children  carry on for the rest of their lives.

This morning I started to wonder if parents are similar to programmers? In my field, a good programmer  completes his project within deadline, comply with coding convention, write intelligent logic and less faulty softwares, and unit tests his code. On the other hand, parents probably also see raising their children as a large project which has deadlines (i.e. setting them free at certain age when they are capable to take care of themselves). Parents also comply social conventional rules (i.e. eating healthy foods, paying respect, and going to school) and raise their children to be the best they can. There are always times parents could spoil their children with undesirable habits (even if they don't mean to).

I sometimes wonder how nice it would be if my parents program me certain habits; and prevent me to establish faulty ones. But the cool thing about humans is that they are self aware and have ability to be flexible. So, even if someone might be a result of bad programming doesn't mean he cannot REPROGRAM himself. That's really a nice thing about being a human!