Parents

A lot of people I have met in my lifetime have issues with their parents. Some weren't provided enough education. One my best friend's dad actually came out from the closet after 20 years of marriage and got married with another dude. A coworker my mine's foster dad actually turned himself into an woman and still lives with her foster mom. I am sure there are dozens of extraordinary ways we had private issues with our parents. But listening to their stories, I feel like my story isn't such a big deal.

During my teenage years, I hated my dad because he was over controlling and yelled at me all time.  No, he never drink. Yes, he provided me enough education. But there were frustrated times in my childhood when I wished him dead. I hated living with fear all those times. After I left my homeland and got a job offer in a different country, my perspectives had been changed a lot in the last 7 years.

In my mid twenties, I would give anything to hear my mom and dad's voice from the phone. I really appreciate what they have done to me in the past and I am glad they get to be my parents. I am not sure how long they will be alive to hear from me, but it's nice I can see them once in a while during my busy schedule. Thirty or forty years from now, I have no clue what's going to happen to me or them. But I really cherish the moments I share with them, and I am very grateful.

Thanks mom and dad! I know you probably would never read this blog post, but I really mean every word I say! :)

-Chase

How Everything About You Is So Trivial?

I have always been fascinated by the universe ever since I was a kid. I remember making small space ships using my lego which father bought for me, and played with those my entire childhood. I had a sudden realization in the coffee shop today that everything we believe is important are actually unbelievably trivial!

I watched "Into the Universe by Stephen Hawking" multiple times and always feel awe by the vastness of the universe. It's truly amazing that our planet are probably no more than a small piece of dust compare of the rest of the universe. It's interesting because it makes me feel both important and trivial at the same time.

I feel important because I am part of the universe. No matter what kind of piece of shit I am, I am essential to the existence of the universe. Didn't get how? I think myself as a very trivial piece of  an oval glass. No matter how trivial I am, if I do not exists then the oval glass become imperfect. But the universe is always perfect. It is made up of energy and I am part of it.

I feel trivial because when I look inside me I have created so much problems in my life. I want certain amount of money, maintain good reputation in my work, pay my credit card bill, think of early retirement, want to travel, and have dozens of insecurities I want to cover up to prove I am a real man. When I think of the vast universe, all the big problems I have seem so much unbelievably little!

After I had this realization in the coffee shop today, I actually started to loosen up a little bit. I looked around people and building around me and felt how small everything around me could me. It's always nice to see things in different perspectives!

Do Nice People Finish Last?

There was a point in my life I had a make an important decision - continue to be a dick, or being humble and respectful to everyone no matter what. I ended up become more humble and respectable through out the last five years though I don't have exact evidence to show you.

During my point of life when I was a dick, being an asshole came off naturally so I didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong. I was a teenager and living under the roof of my parents. They provided me food, shelter, finance and education. But as far as I recall, I was truly ungrateful to them. I thought they could have done more to make my life better i.e. buy my extra toys, give me more freedom to party with my friends, provide me more money to spend, and stop bothering me when hooking up with girls. Even though my parents were doing me a favor for me to live a better life, I was asking for more than my pay grade. I remember complaining and whining to my friends  of how lame my parents was to buy me a cheap computer which can't even have enough video memory to play latest games. I also realized I was also a complete dick to our servants (that's what we call back home). I never showed them respects and treated them as a piece of trash. I actually remember couple of times I falsely accused some servants to steal stuff from my desk, which I know they weren't responsible. I did beat some of them up once in a while. Even though it was my fault, I thought it was much easier to place blame on the minorities. Another way I was a douchebag was how I mistreated kids less fortunate than me. I vividly recall beating up a retarded kid couple of times in our neighborhood which was a complete spur of the moment thing for me. It was a fun activity for me because I was bored and needed a living punching bag to boost my ego. Another example I provide is how I treated people from lower class. Back home, one way of transportation was rickshaw when I commute to high school. I remember I was very frugal when it comes for paying less to old, weak and hungry rickshaw pullers just because they were fucking too slow to drive. I guess it made me feel better to give them pain so that they could share my pain to home late for jerking off. As you can imagine from those few instances, I was a pretty close definition of an ultimate dick.

When I looked back those years, I still feel sick in my stomach for being an asshole. But I made up my mind on one thing. I am going to be respectful and humble to someone NOT for his social status, job position and salary, but for him being a human being. I don't believe nice people finish last. If you are trying to be nice to have someone have sex with you, then the person would easily pick up all the signs and signals that you are desperate. Well, you probably would finish last. But if you are genuinely care of someone, it comes off in a positive way. I guess there are 2 different kinds of "being nice" - being nice for expectations, or being genuinely nice.   I think people who are "being nice for expectations" finish last because they are waiting for outside forces to make a difference to their lives. They are much more reactive. The latter kinds of nice people are more proactive. Their nice comes off more naturally, and, they are probably inward focused. I think I belong to both kind of "nice". I do have expectations once in a while, but I still genuinely care of my loved ones no matter what. I also believe there is still a subtle "asshole-ness" in me, but it is less noticeable. 

What kind of "nice" are you? Why?

How Netflix Drained My Life?

I used to be a Netflix addict. Every evening after work, I used to catch up with latest episodes of "Doctor Who", "Dexter", "Eureka" etc. I consistently spend 2-3 hours a day watching TV shows. Weekend is a whole different story! As a creature of habit, I believe I had been doing these over a year. But a week ago I made a small calculation that made me reconsider this daily habit.

Here is my math:

If I spend 3 hours day watching television shows for a year, I would spend (365 X 3) = 1095 hours. Divide 1096 hours by 24, you will get around 45 whole days in a year. So, I am spending 12% of my year watching a high definition plasma tv which will add zero value to my life.  (My definition of value is anything that makes me better, richer and stronger. Yours might be different.)

Let's say I keep watching 3 hours per day for the next 20 years of my life (I am not even mentioning any special occasions), then I would spend (20 X 45) = 900 days or 2.5 years of my life watching story of actors who don't care about me.

Conclusion:

To me that's a lot of time spend. I even finished my college degree within 3 years. Think about how much I can accomplish if I spend time that adds value to those 2.5 years!

Yes, I know I should have time for more fun and nowadays, I do watch something entertaining occasionally. That's really okay! But I believe it's kind of crazy to have it as a daily habit which you carry on for the rest of your life. I would rather be moderate, then make it part of my daily habit!

Parents Vs. Computer Programmers

As a computer programmer, I found similarities between human habits and software. I develop softwares and make them act or interpret stuff in a certain way. In the same way, humans are programmed in their early childhood to also behave in certain way by their parents/caretakers.  Parents program their children to develop resourceful habits (which I also call softwares) such as brushing teeth, paying respect to elders, dinner etiquette, and studying new concepts. Parents could also program children to ingrain destructive habits, such as, making excuses, procrastination, approval seeking, avoiding confrontation etc. Some of those habits children  carry on for the rest of their lives.

This morning I started to wonder if parents are similar to programmers? In my field, a good programmer  completes his project within deadline, comply with coding convention, write intelligent logic and less faulty softwares, and unit tests his code. On the other hand, parents probably also see raising their children as a large project which has deadlines (i.e. setting them free at certain age when they are capable to take care of themselves). Parents also comply social conventional rules (i.e. eating healthy foods, paying respect, and going to school) and raise their children to be the best they can. There are always times parents could spoil their children with undesirable habits (even if they don't mean to).

I sometimes wonder how nice it would be if my parents program me certain habits; and prevent me to establish faulty ones. But the cool thing about humans is that they are self aware and have ability to be flexible. So, even if someone might be a result of bad programming doesn't mean he cannot REPROGRAM himself. That's really a nice thing about being a human!