Suffering For Dummies

In last few years of my life, I have been chasing after happiness. I always have the wet fantasy that if I achieve bigger things, I will be more fulfilled and live happily ever after. In one of my blog post, I talked about filling the void for achieving the purpose of life. One of my purpose was to end all sufferings in my life. It's not a like I actually suffer from people and situations. I actually suffer by myself. I suffer by my unreal expectations of myself and the world. I suffer from not getting what I want faster. There is always that uneasiness buzzing in the background and my mind is always creating unresolved drama. I am a very ordinary and predictable guy, but there is still so much drama going inside of me. I sometimes wonder what's going on other people's mind? Are they happy and ease with themselves?

So I kind of come to a theory that there is no such thing as ending suffering. Suffering is similar to the laws of gravity. It's always going to be there. We don't blame gravity when the plane crashes or someone fall down from the roof. In the same way, we shouldn't blame being suffered and being in pain. I think there is always a way to minimize my suffering by taking positive actions and letting go of those emotions, but I don't believe we could permanently end suffering. All these mind tricks few personal development workshops teach us, such as, letting go of emotions, setting greater goals, raising standards, having personal mission statements are going to make me way happier than most people. But I don't think that will end sufferings. That's an unrealistic expectation.

So I don't want to end my my sufferings. I want to bring pain more in my life in the same way I bring happiness. I want to be cheated, betrayed, humiliated, rejected, embarrassed, lost and feeling hopelessness. Because in that way I can fully feel it and appreciate the joy and happiness. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is no such thing as living my dreams (how could it be a dream if you are already experiencing it?). There is no such thing as greater calling. We born, we live and we die. Suffering is simply part of us and we should embrace it!

Being Enough

I always try to figure out what could be someone's purpose in life. I have so many definitions. But I really think the purpose in life to fill the void so that you could be enough. I think may be what I have right now is enough for me, and there isn't any void to fill. May be I create those unnecessary voids or emptiness in my life and try to fill them up with problems, dramas and ambitions?

I know it's good to have goals. But I don't want to waste my entire life chasing after "purpose" that does not even exists. May be the purpose in my life is to exists. I am simply a small piece of a larger puzzle. I am supposed to exists to fill a void that's too much for me to comprehend. 

7:00 AM

I recall an interesting quote this morning, "Waiting is a state of mind". Waiting never really does anything good, but keep us away from the present.  This makes me think of all the things I want in my life and I am waiting for them to happen.  However, in order to be there, I would need to be right now. I would choose to focus on what the life has given me this moment and use those resources right now to build my life. I don't think life owes me anything. I just have to use those scattered pieces lying in front of me, and then put them together!

Another thing - I think everything is a choice. If we do something out of craving and inadequacy, it coming from pain. If we conciously chose something out of abundance, then it's coming out of pleasure. I think anything created by pain isn't worth having. Am I wrong?

Loser

I felt like a greatest loser in the planet when I woke up this morning. Strange dreams + Fast food last night => Crappy morning. I was thinking why I am not getting the result in an important area of life. Every time I come so close, I get pushed few steps back. I am still not getting enough even though I tried so hard this year. It's as if I am not meant to earn it like everyone else. Then I realized that being sad and disappointed are part of the success. I must allow myself to be devastated and be completely okay with the pain until I am being invulnerable to those stupid craps. The success is not just to achieve what I actually want, but also be okay with it if I completely lose it.  If I got it so easily then I would not even appreciate it. I am glad it is a painful and frustrating journey. But I know when I reach my first milestone, then it is going to be worth it.

Dealing With Mental Struggles

In have realization in last 2 days last work that I rush into solving problems and thinking each task as a mission to be completed; must be completed. I rush. I struggle. I get afraid that if I don't work out stressful reaction and don't worry, my manager and authority will yell at me. I get tense at each task. I feel like if I don't stress out and struggle, then I won't accomplish my tasks. I am fucking myself up by worrying that being stressed out, struggle in my mind and see it a must thing to do, it will help me get the job done.

I struggle insufferably even if the tasks is too small. I put too much mental force, rush and accelerate on something small instead of being delicate. But now I think about it, no matter how big the problem, how will struggling in my mind help me get the job done faster?

As easy as it sounds, I have been constantly fucking myself up for number of years (probably all my life). The quote from the book really opened my eyes, "No matter what happens, I will create no more pain. I will create no more problems". It takes a choice to make this decision. It's very difficult choice to make. :(